Date Added

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

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Personal

It’s all about perspective….

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Am I ‘lucky’?
In 1995, I was a married mother of 4 boys.  Derek, my oldest, was almost 9 in the fall of that year, in 2nd grade, and had just missed testing into the gifted program in his school.  He had sandy brown hair, and eyes that since birth looked as brown and beautiful as chocolate kisses.  Loren was my second son.  He was 7 that fall, with green eyes like his ‘grandma with the horses’, a squeal that could shatter glass, and a sensitive nature that made him a natural for any of the ‘giving’ professions (teaching, medicine, social work).  Steven was almost 5.  The only one with  my coloring – dark hair and eyes – he had a speech delay that was resolving with therapy through our local HeadStart program, a laugh that could pull at your heartstrings, and the softest pink cheeks I’d ever seen.  Justin was my baby – 2 years old.  He hadn’t had a haircut yet, so the baby curls were laying on his shoulders, and aching to ‘keep up’ with his older brothers.  At the end of October in 1995, just days before Halloween, we had a house fire and all 4 of my beautiful boys were lost to smoke inhalation and the rapid flames.  I spent over 6 months in a dark haze – alternating between pain and emotional numbness.  With the love and support of my family, my church, a wonderful therapist, and some good friends, I came out of my haze in the spring of 1996 with a plan for my life, an appreciation for the daily blessings God has given me, and the sure and certain knowledge that my beautiful boys are in His arms and I will be re-united with them someday.

Two years later, I was married to a different man.  A man who didn’t care that I’d had a tubal ligation after my 4th son and may not be able to have children.  Yeah…..well, the tubal re-connect worked – one on side.  Emma was born October 2000.  A small, PINK bundle who probably never wore an outfit more than once and had beautiful green eyes like one of her older brothers.  Abi followed in March 2003 – ANOTHER pink bundle (where did these girls come from??).  We were done, our family was complete, there was NO WAY it could get better!

October 2005, after being on birth control pills for a couple years, after a vacation in August (where little s-e-x had taken place!), with ONE working fallopian tube…..I was 12 weeks pregnant.  Shocker.  We found that our son had a 1 in 5 chance of having Down syndrome, declined the amnio, but had level 2 ultrasounds and echocardiograms.  He had a heart defect – but was otherwise doing fine.  And when he was born in May 2006, I saw him briefly before he was ambulanced to Children’s Hospital for ‘observation’ for 10 days.  The first time he reached for me – my heart melted….the softest brush of a butterfly wing could not have been more miraculous than the simple touch of my child’s hand on me.  When we got permission to try to breastfeed in the hospital and he took to it almost immediately – the rest of my inside turned to mush.  His clear blue gaze was and is startlingly clear and seems to see right into what’s in my  head – how does he do that?

The last 2 years have been a wonderful ride.  Connor can go from tears to monster giggles with the flip of a switch, he can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  Every day is a new adventure – he is amazed at everything around him….the trees in the wind, daddy’s moustache, the neighbor’s tractor, the ground going by under the bike seat.  I am learning to see the world through his eyes – and I’m amazed sometimes, too!  I used to say “If only we could keep them like this just a little longer!”  Well, chances are I will get that wish with Connor – a little longer, but I’m seeing the ‘big boy’ in him getting bigger and bigger every day.  He sometimes pats his diaper when he needs a change, he won’t let me feed him that often any more – if it can’t be done with fingers, he’s not eating it!  He tries to put his own clothes on in the morning — and sometimes he makes it!  His sisters are now 8 and 5 – kindergarten and 2nd grade (I’m entering new territory!).  Emma is playing soccer – the only blondie on a team of multi-cultural kids — at least I can find her on the field in a New York second!  Abi, in kindergarten, has read Charlotte’s Web this last summer and is going to the 1st grade class for reading and math.  They both love Connor more than anything and are happy to take care of him when I need to take a shower or scrub down the kitchen!  They like cooking, just took their training wheels off their bikes, and are looking forward to going to Oregon for Christmas with their cousins this year!
Am I ‘luckier’ than those around me?  I have been luckier, and more blessed, than I have ever deserved to be. I can see the miracles of my children daily – can appreciate the beauty they add to our lives even as they frustrate me by not cleaning up their room or losing their shoes right before leaving for school or by asking for ‘more milk’ just as I’m making a beeline for the bathroom!   You bet I’m lucky — and the proof is at the top of this page!